


A Friend I Never Had

by zainab_jasmine



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Inspired by Music, M/M, Pain, Past Relationship(s), Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Tony-centric, like a lot of pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-20 23:08:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20235901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zainab_jasmine/pseuds/zainab_jasmine
Summary: Tonight’s like every other night, he’s alone in a bed too big for one person and all he can think about is him. He lies awake, counting mistakes like normal people count sheep. If he hadn’t made Ultron, if he hadn’t signed the Accords, if he hadn’t torn the team apart with his worrying then maybe he’d still have a family.





	A Friend I Never Had

**Author's Note:**

> This is partially inspired by I Lost a Friend by Finneas. The first time I listened to the song I knew I had to write some sort of post cw stevetony fic about it, so I put it on loop and here’s what I came up with. Enjoy!

He lost a friend. Maybe more than a friend. Who knows what Steve was to him really? He certainly doesn’t. 

He’s lost him the same way he’s been losing sleep lately. The same way he lost time worrying about everything that could go wrong. That did go wrong. That blew up in his face despite his every effort to make sure it wouldn’t. 

Tonight’s like every other night, he’s alone in a bed too big for one person and all he can think about is him _ .  _ He lies awake, counting mistakes like normal people count sheep. If he hadn’t made Ultron, if he hadn’t signed the Accords, if he hadn’t torn the team apart with his worrying then maybe he’d still have a family. 

He keeps replaying that night in Siberia, thinking maybe if he’d reacted differently, maybe if he’d been more understanding, then maybe Steve would still be here, and maybe he’d actually be laying here next to him, and maybe he’d be able to sleep through the night. 

He lost a friend. Fuck, he’s lost his mind. And nobody believes him, he’s still a billionaire and he’s not an international war criminal so hasn’t he won? He should be happy. How can even thinking about being happy when he’s lost the best thing that’s ever happened to him? 

Were him and Steve even friends? Or were they two people drawn together by circumstance, just outlets for each other’s release? What they had, was it friendship or convenience? Can you even call what they had friendship? When they’d knock on each others doors at ungodly hours because one of them needed a fuck, was that friendship? He doesn’t think so anymore. It certainly wasn’t anything like love. At least not on Steve’s part. 

While the rest of the tower slept, their two bodies became one, molding together under the covers. The only evidence of their nighttime activities being the bruises left by Steve’s lips on Tony’s body. And even they faded eventually. 

Steve’s alarm would ring at exactly four every morning, breaking them out of whatever delusion they had of this thing being able to last. Then they’d just be teammates, coworkers who knew every inch of the others skin, who’d look at each other for just a second too long. Professionals in every sense of the word. 

They weren’t friends, not really, so why does he feel like he’s lost one? When you’re Tony Stark friends aren’t exactly easy to come by, but he really thought he had something with Steve. He thought that maybe one day whatever they had would make it past sunrise. That their relationship, if you could call it that, would be more than sweat soaked bodies in the dark. That he’d be able to wake up in Steve’s arms, kissing him softly like they had all the time in the world. 

For a genius, he was really fucking stupid. Steve would never love him, and he never said he would. It was Tony who had to go and catch feelings. What they had, it meant nothing and everything at the same time, and he’d trade every penny he has for just one more night. 

How the hell did he lose a friend he never had? And why the hell does it hurt this bad? He can compare losing Steve to losing money on a bad bet, but he has enough money to lose. There’s only one Steve and now that he’s gone, Tony knows he was nothing more to him than a body to use. 

He’s lost a friend, and he’s lost his mind and all he can do is think about every choice he’s made to get himself here. He’s made so many mistakes, but he never thought that Steve was one of them. Until he leaves and Tony realizes he was the biggest one of all. 

He’d apologize if it made any difference but Steve would never listen. If he didn’t listen to 117 countries, why would Tony be any different? What happened between them wasn’t black and white, but nothing with Steve ever was. He was starting to think that things with him never could be. 

He knows eventually he’ll be alright, but he wasn’t last night and he’s not tonight and he won’t be tomorrow night either. He’ll be fine without him, but all he does is think about him. He hopes that somewhere across the world Steve’s lost his mind too. 

He’s on the mend. He left the wound uncovered for too long and it only got worse, but now it’s time to bandage it up and let himself heal. He’s in a new bed now, in a new building entirely, and God only knows where Steve is but it’s been a couple of days since Tony’s woken up and reached out for a ghost. Since he’s slipped up and called out for him in his dreams. 

Still he has bad nights. Nights where he wonders how he’ll trust again. Where his eyes burn from staying open and his hands ache from fiddling with a flip-phone he tells himself he’ll never use. He types and deletes message over and over again never brave enough to actually hit send. 

_ I miss you.  _

_ Did I mean anything to you? _

_ I’m worried about you.  _

_ I still love you.  _

_ Where are you? _

_ Why would you leave me? _

He lost a friend he didn’t have. A lover who he could barely call a lover. Things that seemed impossible before, but he should’ve realized by now that nothing actually was. He misses him the way he used to miss the alcohol and drugs, but now he knows he deserves better. Who could be better than Steve?

They’re going to see each other again. He knows they will because they’re two halves of one whole and somehow the universe will find a way to bring them back together. When it happens, he’s not sure what he’ll do. He promises himself that he won’t fall back into old habits but who is he to predict the future anyway? He tried before and look at where that got him. 

He thinks maybe they can get back together, but for that to happen they’d have to have been together in the first place. It isn’t up to him though, and after months he thinks he’s finally made peace with that. So he lays in his bed, built only for one, and for the first time in a while, he shuts his eyes and finally, he falls asleep. 

_ _

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is much appreciated ! Check out my tumblr @whothehellisbucky


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